Sometimes something can scare the crap out of you to the point where you feel your heart pounding harder in your chest it is our ability to go forth with the rush of blood from our hearts and clear the unsure footing… I have been there before and let me tell you when the bullet bypassed me i counted my lucky stars and didnt turn away from the soul beside me ………… my memory is my vivid torture but I move just the same everyday
This year has been a bit chaotic for me and well on days like today november 26th (thanksgiving) I honestly would like to spend some time to reflect on all the things I am thankful for.
1) I am thankful for regaining my sense of belief in people and in God. I lost it for a while and with it I am a better person.
2) I am thankful for my family although it is not always roses and butterflies much like the rest of the world I don’t know where I would be without all of them. I miss my family in Italy sometimes but I realize we cant always get everything and I happy to have what I have.
3) I am thankful to have a dad like mine I never really say it all to often and granted we have our moments but this year I really learned to understand him and I am so thankful for that. Putting the light on when I am not home, making coffee in the morning before I leave and having random conversations about history granted he most likely will never know it but his words stay with me all the time.
4) To my sisters sometimes we may not see eye to eye on things and I may piss you off with my viewpoints but I hope you both know in your heart that you are both two extensions of myself. Although sometimes I may not want to hear what you have to say I know why you say it and I understand you mean well. I am thankful so much this year more then others I suppose
5) I am thankful for my nephews and niece because it seems that whenever my problems seem to feel like they are exploding I can look in their eyes and somehow I feel better. With their little smiles, big hugs and sweet words they make my life. They are to little to know it yet but its almost so surreal how happy these kids make me almost to the point of tears.
6) I am thankful for my friends the ones that really stand by me and don’t just let me fall down. I know I can be as stubborn as bricks sometimes but I am just so happy to have all of you in my life. Granted some of you know certain sides while others know other sides but all and all for all your advice, your words, your love, your piece of mind, your out right honesty I love you all very much.
7) I am thankful for the people I meet along my travels who greet me with a positive smile. Even for those that don’t everyone has their days. It is important to see how we are all connected. We all make the world and so in that I am thankful for everything especially for being above ground on this beautiful day. I will not forget the ones I have lost as they live on in my heart but I realize I am here and with good purpose.
We walk in the wind brush against bodies each day look into the eyes of people whom we will most likely never see again and all is in common interaction. We feel we live we go forward
and our hearts they break at this and tear at it how much can people really take? I wish I could explain this better and have you understand more
as the days pass we become so detached and mainly because those that taught us to feel also had the ability to take away all feeling within
so as the day pass and I look another stranger in the eye
my eyes become more vacant
and really the only thing I look for is not to make you something you are not
not to badger your sensitivity not to mock your past but to live in peace and find a soul that will just float along with me happily
When you feel you can trust someone to the utmost ability that is usually when they betray you and vice versa. I am at point in my life where I can honestly say I have found my friends, I have faced my enemies and I know exactly what I want.
Time is not something to be wasted and as I spend my time I am just thankful through all my twists and turns I followed the paths with both both of my eyes open took some scary falls thought I wouldnt be the same but I am back some how in a better place then I ever was.
I am thankful for the air that I breathe because it fills my lungs with possibilities each day.I am thankful for the heart that still lives within me although tough to get to I know it is there and through all the paths broken, eroded and perhaps just wrong I live … Physically live, spiritually live and emotionally live!!
maybe I should of never said yes never opened the door , Never looked that dealer in the eye , never made promises I know I would break, never stand so strongly for someone else, never give so much , never got in that car knowing what you were going to do, taken the train in the opposite direction, no 3 AM road trips , no possibilities of being arrested , no running my mouth when I knew better , no watching them slip further away , no saving anyone but myself….. no nearly getting raped , no unjustified causes and only putting myself first
BUT THEN YOU SEE THAT JUST WOULDN’T BE ME so in the process i sacrificed more than i realized and learned a lot more then any history book could teach me. Some would run at the thought but well I take it as a lesson learned and a life LIVED!
How is it possible for two beings of different makeup love each other with the same intensity as the other without really ever being inside the mind of the other? There is always one which feels more or lacks the other … so in closing it is more unlikely then likely. An ex lover said it best “Love does not exist and is only a torture to those that feel it does.” ID
“if this reaches your ears you were right it doesn’t exist and I was foolish for believing so”
Voglio farti un regalo I want to get you a gift
Qualcosa di dolce, qualcosa di raro Something sweet, something rare
Non un comune regalo Not a common gift
Di quelli che hai perso, o mai aperto Like those that you’ve lost, or never opened
O lasciato in treno, o mai accettato Or left in the train, or never accepted
Di quelli che apri e poi piangi But those that you open and then you cry
Che sei contenta e non fingi And you’re happy and not pretending
In questo giorno di metà settembre On this day in mid-September
Ti dedicherò il regalo mio più grande I will devote to you, my greatest gift
Vorrei donare il tuo sorriso alla luna perché I want to give your smile to the moon so that
Di notte chi la guarda possa pensare a te At night whoever sees it can think of you
Per ricordarti che il mio amore è importante To remind you that my love is important
Che non importa ciò che dice la gente And that it doesn’t matter what people say
Perché tu mi hai protetto con la tua gelosia che anche Because you’ve protected me with your jealousy and
Che molto stanco il tuo sorriso non andava via When very tired your smile did not go away
Devo partire però se ho nel cuore I have to leave but if I know in my heart
La tua presenza è sempre arrivo e mai partenza That your presence is always an arrival and never a departure
Il regalo mio più grande My greatest gift
Il regalo mio più grande My greatest gift
Vorrei mi facessi un regalo I want you to get me a gift
Un sogno inespresso, donarmelo adesso An unvoiced dream, now given to me
Di quelli che non so aprire One that I know not to open
Di fronte ad altra gente In front of other people
Perché il regalo più grande Because the greatest gift
È solo nostro per sempre is only our forever
Vorrei donare il tuo sorriso alla luna perché I want to give your smile to the moon so that
Di notte chi la guarda possa pensare a te At night whoever sees it can think of you
Per ricordarti che il mio amore è importante To remind you that my love is important
Che non importa ciò che dice la gente And that it doesn’t matter what people say
Perché tu mi hai protetto con la tua gelosia che anche Because you’ve protected me with your jealousy and
Che molto stanco il tuo sorriso non andava via When very tired your smile did not go away
Devo partire però se ho nel cuore I have to leave but if I know in my heart
La tua presenza è sempre arrivo e mai… That your presence is always an arrival and never…
E se arrivasse ora la fine che sia in un burrone And if the end arrived now, let it be in a canyon
Non per volermi odiare solo per voler volare Not for you to hate me, only because I want to fly
E se ti nega tutto questa estrema agonia And if this extreme agony denies you everything
E se ti nega anche la vita respira la mia And if it also denies you life itself, breathe mine
E stavo attento a non amare prima di incontrarti I was careful not to love before I met you
E confondevo la mia vita con quella degli altri And confused my life with that of another
Non voglio farmi più del male adesso I don’t want to hurt myself anymore
Amore, amore Love, love
Vorrei donare il tuo sorriso alla luna perché I want to give your smile to the moon so that
Di notte chi la guarda possa pensare a te At night whoever sees it can think of you
Per ricordarti che il mio amore è importante To remind you that my love is important
Che non importa ciò che dice la gente And that it doesn’t matter what people say
E poi And then
L’amore dato amore preso amore mai reso The love given, love taken, love never returned
Amore grande come il tempo che non si è arreso Love so great like time that has never surrendered
Amore che mi parla coi tuoi occhi qui di fronte Love that speaks with your eyes here facing me
Sei tu sei tu sei tu sei tu sei tu It’s you, it’s you, it’s you, it’s you, it’s you
Il regalo mio più grande My greatest gift
I thought I knew myself
truth is i am just beginning
and this new york with bright lights traffic signs and garbage bins
it has a way of making you tough
nothing wrong with a little edge on your shoulders
but I, I took a step into a different world
ocean breeze balconies and villas
kind of a hard place to transgress
one week back into what seems to be a hell hole
insurance papers obligations bank cards job search
same faces same problems
immaturity
and honestly i am tired and not the kind of tired that wears off the tired that wears at your insides
thinking soley that people never change
money doesnt make you happy
and the dirt on your fingers is just proof that you are dirty
not physically
I took some time to change myself put some hope back into my heart
come back here to realize
empty hearts
broken souls
and lack of culture
is just a really hard place to land
my soles are a bit worn
my heart is little bit too broken
and it is unrepairable
my eyes are a little too transparent
my hopes are a little too high
and as i sit here a place i once called home
makes me feel lost beyond reasonable bounds
I sit here at night fingers shaking
possible news delivered
and the days that dwindle
and I dont want to be weak
I dont want to stumble
but baby your the only one I want to talk to
the only one who would understand
and not push me away
and tell everything will be okay
and i cant even speak with you
oh what a mess i have made this time
oh what a heart so broken in time
life is just like a flash
and everyone tries to console this
but i just want to talk to you
just want to be held by you
and you are no where to be found
Sometimes I sit here and try to find the perfect words
Sell my soul to the devil to find them
All the reasons I run into you
All the sense in all the world
Images like flashes hit me in the face
And we are so detrimental together
and there is a push and a pull to you
in your direction always
If I only could make a deal with the devil
I would search all the devices
delve in reason beyond my means
because sweatheart you are the most beautiful imperfect person I have ever known
And somehow I wish I could escape you
free myself from this constant torment
Distance
I know where to find you
and it scares me so
I tear away at logic and none of this makes any sense
None of this is easy to explain
We are just the same
Ever object that touches my fingers
it all lingers
remnants and I wish I could forget
But in a way you were the most beautiful piece of me ……. the safest place I ever was ….. within your ground
This bullet is so deep
and the thunder in my heart is not ceasing to end
Shaking hands
dilligant eyes
I wish I could erase my memory and only have the most hateful times remain
Spare me
But you …….. I dont want to forget you ……. I dont want to ever loose my thoughts of love torward you.
I know nothing of war…
I have seen many things …….witnessed death before my eyes
but never felt the pain of an empty stomach within me
I have had stories recounted to me of other times and other lands.
I have had my fathers eyes swell with tears when he recalls the war and the feeling of hunger.
And so when people ask me how or why I give money to the poor and why I never waste a thing it is because my father has a way of haunting me wherever I am
I have always had an open ear to history and the world and at times it makes me sick to see so much depreciation.
I walk amoungst those in poverty from time to time and although I can not acknowledge all, do not think for one moment that my heart does not grow weak at the vision of suffering.
I have had a story of the civil war recounted to me …. a stranger not so strange telling me of his travels and although my eyes rarely shed tears on the inside I could feel myself emotionally torn.
So no I have not seen a war and no I was not born in a world of poverty but I feel for the people just the same, as a vison of my 7 year old father enters my mind……… we are not so distant in time.
I keep hearing this question so I figure it is about time I answer it …. Why Claudia do you not have a boy friend?
Well quite simpe really call it a personal choice or rather a well thought out choice.
See I do not want a man who feels that an idea of a good time is lying spawled out at some bar knocked almost to the point of unconciousness due to the fact he can not control his alcohol consumption…
I do not think being called a bitch is a term of endearment
I do not feel burping contests are appropriate when you between the ages of 23- 30
Also I do not care about how much money you make and chances are I wont ask you for a cent but you know I want to be with some one who actually has a plan and does not think that his day off should be sat at a computer playing world of warcraft…… You have a brain use it!
I would like to meet some one who has some kind of culture and who values the concept of family and that does not mean living in the same house and eating your dinner alone in your room that means actually taking part in your family and caring and knowing about where you came from!
Also my idea of a good time is not smoking joints in some random park dont you know thats what you used to do when you were in highschool? Why are you still doing the same thing? Its not attractive and no I dont find it cool.
So yet again lets refresh
Someone with a carreer would be nice
Good concept of family
no burping contests
no EXTREME consumption of liquoir or pot to the point of unconciousness
And no I dont care about your money or anything like that but it would be cool if you were actually going somewhere in life ….
So those of you that wonder why I never “come out” with you or “have a boyfriend” it is because I do not care for your company when all you know how to talk about are the size of womens “boobies” and some chick you “banged” last night….. Like I said MOST OF YOU have a brain its a shame you dont know how to use it….
Things happen for a reason some stay while others leave. You, you must walk in swirls, turns and lines only to find it is not up to you. Enjoy your time that is all.
I came across some old photos of you and I today. As my hands skimmed the contact the one thing I could not help but notice was the lack of closeness we had even then.
No smiles from our faces like two empty souls there we stood.
There was something in the separation between and perhaps something about the containment in my eyes.
I was so bound then and now my eyes have a fire that has the ability to touch and light the most desolate of candles.
This will be the last piece in regards to you
how could i start it and will it truly have an ending in my heart
I know it wont end because it never truly began
in your eyes all the things I have seen
you made me so happy with all the things you have ever said
I believe in you and you’ll never know how much I love you and ill never get to show you why
even by telling you it wont help because these words will probably fade in your head after you have read them twice over
but i’d like to say thank you for being the friend i needed thank you for existing just seeing you everyday made everything better something i cant explain in a letter
your smile cant seem to escape me but besides all other things i think your a beautiful person and maybe I’m not the first to tell you that but i should of been
I wont find anyone like you but I’m not looking for anyone like you because someone like you would just be a constant reminder of how i had greatness in my palm and before I could actually see what it was like it was gone
what is it that I miss exactly, its everything
I wouldn’t have changed anything except for all the pain I put you through
especially when all along I always knew it was you
that’s the way things work though
I could write ten pages justifying it all but I cant you see because justification doesn’t only lie in words but in actions, actions that don’t mean anything to you at this point so here I am in all of this remembering is how I exist.
I walked from 116th street to Spring street today. Perhaps some would think that is a bit insane but you know it was beautiful and why not? Good for you and I saw so many things. I felt like a kid on her forst ever exploration of a new place although I have seen manhattan many times before. I was in some kind of awe of everthing. One day you should try it!
P.S. Speaking of health, does anyone know where I can purchase Acai Berries the actual fruit, not pill?
And these timid lips are weak here trembling in fear …. People walk past me and I am a vision to be seen lately
Barely standing with tears streaming. Heres to not relying on anyone …….. finally I realize I am far broken then perhaps repairable. I am so sorry darling.
No fault to be placed on any soul other then my own personal memories that sit within and sting the flesh within
I take a step and try not to recall ….. try to walk forward but as the drops fall from the sky and the wire in my umbrella breaks I know I have fucked up.
All I can do is pray. Got a key ring around my keys that you have never seen and from time to time when I feel my breath escape me I push the steal against my fingers and let out a low our father.
When we first met ……..
like a whirlwind you surrounded me
And I feared it all
knowledge and a world I never knew
…………………
Sleepless nights
and visions of a wounded body on the ground
a vision all in black
three phone rings
and no answer
A day later
“I am fine”
“Hi beautiful it’s just business you know”
if only you knew
“and I do not do the things I used to”
My tear filled eyes
A stone cold face from you in front of everyone
and with me it shrivels
sinks
“I feel you around you know”
a dream of mine come to life
you were
restless here
this angel sits
bleeding eyes
staring at
a piece of me dying right before me
fidgeting hands
fast paced
you just dont know how you killed me
my sweet little devil
I saw so much light in you
so much pain too
held deeply there
It is not an easy thing to walk away
And I still hurt.
Hmm well I haven’t been to the movies in a while. Has anyone seen any good flicks? If so send your knowledge my way. I am up for anything mostly into comedy and horror but when the mood strikes anything will do.
Last movie I saw was “Pathology”. If you disliked doctors before get ready to despise them now! This is movie is about doctors in training sort of speak, who kill people before it is there time. They devise tricky tactics and interesting methods of death that really push the envelope. Honestly, a rather sick twisted movie but a good film in my opinion. If you are into the body, forensics and psychology this may be the movie for you!
Anyways, glad to lend a vision of some sort. Lend your movie expertise!
Hi everyone! Here you will find some of my “own” personal blend of quotes. You ever get a thought just randomly siezed to your memory? Does it ever surface and become something you live by?
Well in time I myself have created my own quotes that I find personally helpful when I am going through things in life. Hopefully they will help you as well.
So recently while gonig shopping in the supermarket I have been trying to be more health concious. I know most of you probably are either one of two types of people A) being health concious the other type B) being lack and overindulgent.
Now I have nothing against being obese or those that love to eat. Whatever floats your boat honestly it’s your body not mine.
The only issue I have is when “I” personally want to be healthy and fill my body with nutrients but my local supermarket insists on filling its products with an excessive amount of sugars and by products. What is the need for this? Honestly, it is a necessity that a bottle of tea contain 18- 25 sugars? I do not understand it! If it is not sugars it’s loaded with saturated fats! WHY??
Then you see people producing movies like “super size me” well you know what there are some people in the world that would prefer to be fit. I just get very aggrivated when even a simple bottle of orange juice contains 30 sugars.
Why does the food industry do this? Why do they then refer to the U.S.A as being one of the “fattest” countries in the world? It is no wonder why people gain weight at an ever so increasing rate. They themselves are responsible for the amount of garbage that is being reprocessed and added to our food! I am just sick of this!
Tell me this is all a bad dream. Tell me one day when you come to your senses you will just forgive me.
washed away with so much left to say. In your eyes I see so much love and I wish you could just believe. Timing is everything. But I can’t seem to sleep… and everytime I turn on the radio theres a song that reminds me of your face and your words and I just can’t look past it all.
I wonder what will be like when I see you again.
I keep hearing that you are doing just fine moving forward in time and I sit here and wonder if you ever even think of me.
For a moment in time. I know you were the last to deserve it. Well no one is perfect. I am beyond words at this point. I envision your hand against someone else and well theres a pulling at my throat, my eyes can’t seem to shut themselves and I run on pure thought alone.
Adrenaline keeps me moving. Coffee pumps through my veins now. Cigarette smoker occasionally to soothe me. I know you won’t believe me but I wish you would.
Now my hands are fidgeting, sense of self is lacking and I just keep on falling. Remember that God you told me to believe in well I started embracing it, started tracing back my steps in hopes to find a better sense of me.
In all the conversations we have ever had I remember one distinctly and it feared me. Guess where I want to live….. Guess where I want to get married……….. Guess what kind of ring I want……….Guess my world with you in it……..
The most beautiful thing in the world is meeting someone who you can share a dream with, and you were it……..
It is almost surreal
the paths I have taken
and how far I have come
Cardboard pieces of paper mean so much in this world
factored in
mathematical and logical
all that you work for
a grade on your life
a grade on your achievements
and well here it is
years in the making
hours in process
passionate
and sleepless
coffee to the veins like drugs within
just to stay awake
running and rushing
sounds of printers and papers shuffling
walking to the beat of words almost tripping
eyes pealed
48 hour work weeks
no sleep
and loss of appetite
This is what it took, this is what it takes I suppose but perhaps I am just a little insane
perhaps I was just raised differently ….. to me education is the one fiber that can never stop growing and to many it is simply over when the process is over….
so much for that thought…….. wired differently
I swear sometimes I run on pure luck alone
or perhaps the shreds of my dignity or maybe even the fire of my passion
which still burns brightly
From the diaries of the past which still harbour in me
You see my great aunt is sick. She has cancer so I went to see her today. She was in so much pain dosed with a massive amount of morphine she was still going. I guess at this time she still is a strong person but there was just something about the way she held my hand and relied on me that made me cry on the inside. Knowing that in a few months or days from now she might not make it through. Outside of that I thought of the people I really care about … I don’t tell them nearly enough. I didnt wonder if they cared for me because all I needed to know was that I cared for them. All she had done when she came to this country. Her face and how it reminds me of the renmants of my grandma. Like a shock it hit me. I know in time we all must pass. She however was like the beginning of an end for me. So close everyday visits, her warm eyes and soft words. To her I was a treasure. The great neice with the almond eyes.
Years have past and her memory much like that of others who have passed around me is forever so present. I wish I could fast forward time. At times I still envision the casket as it passed me and how my heart sank to the bottom of my chest knowing things would not be the same.
You either follow the dark or walk in the light, simple really or some think. Is it really that simple? Unexplainable things happen to people that don’t deserve it. I sometimes wish I was the one who made the right choices the first time around. Change my luck. Spin it differently. I try to make the best of my lot. I suppose however that I try to reach for the light the dark however finds a way of lurking around. Forms shadows in the specks of light which once existed.
What do I want? Nothing at all. Simplicity…….. enough said……. hard enough to get too even harder to keep.
This is a rather personal ballad as you sit there with your ginger salad give a listen … A part of me exists in these streets rhythm beats from park slope to brighton …… Flatbush to bushwick ….. Carnarcy to Bourough park Lit a spark within me…
Can you blame me? Can’t you see this is my ode to Brooklyn…
I come here to breathe from time to time find my place amoungst the crime. A world like this will take you under like a crash of thunder I feel my heart race fast pace …….
“its business baby”
My bones shutter mind relieved of its clutter. 12 am and I remember his blood shot eyes. A part of me no longer dies. You got to move Clack Clack Bang Clack Clack the verse he sang.
Perhaps I had lost my mind officially gone… baked and for heavens sake saved myself from a life I never wanted. Haunted….. I wonder if you are alright out of my sight.
watch your back …. nap sac …. visine and a book on ethics
Was this your policy was this your prophecy…. Bring her in to a world ….. spin her in it like a web I remember everything you said. It rained snow ……. each shot a blow…..
locks and shocks my nerves traveled to hell and back …. Your head against my chest find a place to rest….. 12 am your song calls again clack clack boom
“wait here”
head over your shoulder the weight of a boulder
“and this one, you never know what hes up to”
Should of left it alone should of never picked up that phone
but I fell in love with your black hoodie …. cold hands….. shifty eyes …….. the redness of your iris
After a smoke and some coke … all is clear to me
The sound of these steets like a treat… shit on the floor closed door…. when the light closed its eyes I would open mine …. what about that striaght line? …….. all my lessons shot in the face leaving not a single trace….
Morality where are you? What did I do? I am aware….. I swear……. in my eyes do you dare?
I loved the risk……..
Nothing can quite lift me this way hard to say but I lived for the night of each day.
Made my choice ….. whats an inner voice?…..
No reason could change me took a new season to rearrange me
Danger Danger Here I come
Now for a sum ….. of all that I have become : A feind of the here and now ….Seen far to many eyes close permanently ….. under the influence,a lack of control lets take a stroll …. Some wonder how I know the people I know …. took some time for me to grow….
Open your eyes see for yourself … its not a way to live its a way to die…..
“if you want to hang with me you got to learn how to fly”
Well I tell you this, I would rather learn to live then die.
Like a chill up the spine Like glass to your veins permanent stains. They say it is not up to you nothing is… it never was….. all in time….. all in ryhme….. worth all that is just fine…
Not wasting a moment here I am. Sure my mind lends itself to think of you and all the things I knew but here I am
Just me one person to this place trying to find my space trying to find some sense between the crevices of the fence.
I am no longer searching here….. brushed away the fear ……… I am no longer searching here.
It’s not up to you all of the things you do it’s not up to you
Have you ever sat in contemplation trying to find a reason for all of the relation between two being …… Have you ever done this? Sometimes there is just no explanation
Like the way in which you look in their eyes and feel your familiar staring back at you ….. no need to explain …. no need to complain….. understanding in every sense …….. not perfect no cherry colored lens ….. but a compliment none the less.
Listen to words of songs knowing the other can feel them too. Even in distance deeper than anything I ever knew.
A comfort beyond what is normal ……. no need for formal…….. Laughing so much my face hurts and these words just find a way to blurt onto pages like they have been predated through the ages….
A face I knew ……. Eyes I’ve seen ….. meaning in everything……. I never believed in another life past all of this……… in it with you bliss……. In a another world I know I knew you then……. and it was beautiful you and I
pushing against it so many times before trying to find a grace just to forget your face but you follow me in the air …… as I sit here pretending not to care…
But those eyes I just cant seem to deny and I cant seem to lie I knew you didnt I?
before your time in some distant rhyme we lived didnt we?
Sacred and beautiful we embraced what was didnt we?
The will in me cant you see…. every ounce with each word I pronounce …….. When I feel like the world is cold and somehow the days pass growing old the one thing that stands ……. no way to control this it commands me …… in my sleep awakes me the only way I can survive is to apply feelings to the things I see. Hopefully you can relate because this shit is my fate….. the equivalent of my breath until the moment of my death…. If I do nothing at all …. If I fall….. this is my personal call….. at least I can spit this in hopes that one soul listens ….. and my heart, with each emotion glistens …… sit back here as my pen spills and a part of me kills …… The ink ignites a flame …. never quite the same……. Like a cure perfectly compact a pen and some paper soaks in like vapor…. I will not slip … trip…. flip……. I have heart and this is just the start.
or perhaps feel the wind beneath you? Who said love had to ever be a trap? I no longer want any kind of distance. Just love. Just heart. Just the piece of my soul that is missing. It is a beautiful expression of life to love another.
I am sure most of you live rather hectic lives and for those of you that do not just the same everyone has moments where they are dealing with “bullshit” for lack of a better word. Well I came across this quote today and I figured it could help some of you along as it helped me.
“So when it’s simply not your day and things get a little out of hand, as they invariably do from time to time, it’s much more productive and far healthier to just sit back and enjoy the absurdity of the moment.” Bradley Trevor Greive
Tomorrow Adventures in an Uncertain World By: Bradley Trevor Greive
Simple enough, Sure. Anyway just felt like sharing.
Have you ever just closed your eyes? Envision your body floating above it all. Whirlwind shut it out the noise, the traffic, the expectations and the force……. magically a day unlike the rest. Alone for a moment to reflect in your mind collect. The times passes so quickly.. Grasp it… Feel it… touch it if you can and find the light before you loose sight of your innocence. Find the softness within don’t ever loose it.
Run Run Run for your dreams silent screams………. its a mad dash and it seems everyone wants the same thing… simple little diamond ring…. pay well fancy dell…… that guy with those dark eyes tear away at the skies ….. but what happens when your dreams are reached? then what…… so close you can taste it nothing can erase it how close you came….. and this heart is no longer tame…..
In a time before … my education under wraps everything in my grasp…….. job like a dream everything in perfect seam and oh that man I knew what a fascination this beautiful creation….. straight from my dreams eyes like coal, old soul, a mind that could withstand the time and spirit all mine…..
But even dreams die and nothing is really permanent.
So this past Friday I attended the Village Halloween Parade in New York City. It was my first time and boy was I surprised by what I encountered. I literally was amazed by the array of costumes and all the people. I have lived in New York my whole life and this was my first time going to the festival. All I have to say is that it was a fabulous time! Honestly all the lights, decorations, floats, costumes and people really made me really appreciate living in NYC. Granted there are always drawbacks with everything but where else could you find such diversity? Everyone sharing in the same essence! Beautiful event really….. and if you haven’t ever gone to check it out there is always next year! I highly recommend it.
No not the science well perhaps it is some kind of science the way in which some people can interact. This chemistry how it forms I have no idea… my antigens are attracted to yours I suppose. It is so much more than that though…. simplistically I suppose it can be simplified into that but what about the conversation, the emotion, the line that gets crossed each time, unintentionally being drawn to another……… I have been there….. seen this…….felt it to a degree immense and honestly there is no way to explain it besides stating that there are no needs for words.
And so you have chemistry to the highest degree that is no plea no form or warranty because sometimes chemistry can make us fear it … it is or can be that strong.
And the weight of the world was on his shoulders and I was this delicate angel so much for that.. All the chemistry in the world same expressions, same connections, same spirit, culturally accepting, physically fit together like puzzle pieces and mind in unison but all that even all that can separate.
We made each other alive lifted from the ruins of our past I swear I knew that man before…
Here I am … I am right here can you see me? Do you notice? I am aware more than I should be. I am alive more than anyone and I could teach you so much about life… and I could show you maybe open your eyes a bit wider… I could care…. I could give… I could make you feel…. I could open up… I could stand in this ongoing loop with you if you wanted me to… I could prove to you the truth in things … take away all your moments of disbelief…….. I could I really could only if you would allow me to.
I could and I would only if you would just walk away from all the surface things that bind you and look deeper …….. I could and I would.
Forse non so appena dove appartengo in questo mondo
Cammina un giorno in miei pattini si vuole
Forse non voglio identificare con questo mondo.
Perché? non conosco niente di queste tradizioni
Faccio soltanto il miei bruciare propri e forgiato presso me a partire dal momento della nascita.
“Questo Dio del paese oh benedice l’America dicono che è libera…. Che cosa è libero? le mani che ho dovuto rompere l’orgoglio I quasi e la coltura hanno provato a prendere?„
ho sentito storie che innumerevoli che ancora portano le rotture ai mi occhi quando vedo il mio padre parlare.
Di che cosa sono a parte?
Allineare non so dire questo ma il mio cuore è in un’altra terra
E penso come tutto è ….. Nuova vita…. Mi preoccupo di come stanno vivendo…. E le tombe che quasi mi libero del mio corpo sopra esistono soltanto sui li puntelli di mi genitori que hanno conosciuto così bene
Le origini della mia anima non esistono qui.
Diventa più apparente a me quando ritengo il sale del mare e gli alcoolici di quelli oltre sulla mia mente più febbricitante mentre l’aereo parte e le vele della barca
Non ho scelta qui che rifletta questi pensieri.
Hanno operato una scelta per me e per la mia famiglia Per essere migliore qui
Deprezzamento che cosa è quello?
Rabbia che cosa è quello?
Pressione sulle mie spalle che so per scaturire
Ma come metto la mia testa contro il cuscino alla notte io ricordi tutte le storie e tutti il fronti che più caldi ho conosciuto ed ancora che so all’interno del mio cuore.
A while back I wrote a children’s book for a literature class I was taking. This book actually was a big hit with my professor and she always told me I should publish it… So like anything that thought has kind of been haunting me for some time now. I really would like to publish this book. It has a great message for children and it is illustrated.
I however, am unsure of how to proceed in the publishing world and need some help. If you feel like you can help me or guide me in any way I would appreciate it. This is something I always wanted to do and it is about time I make it a reality!
Thanks again! Feel free to email me at cmercuri@hunter.cuny.edu
Typically I do not like to post entries regarding astrology…. but as of late I have been having some trouble kind of getting together and discovering the truth about a particular sign so maybe you can help me?
I am a Scorpio with ascendant in Leo…. don’t really know if that will help any but I was just wondering about Sagittarius men…….. what do most of you think of them? Any thoughts? Good bad and in between DON”T BE SHY and SHARE!! PLEASE I could use some advice!
It really doesnt matter where you come from…. we are not that different
I don’t care about your race, your gender, your nationality, your preference, your culture, your values and your wealth
I am sure you have heard this before but maybe you need to be reminded we are all people.
WAKE UP!
It is so sad how others can deem themselves superior or inferior ……. if we were ever in a near death situation that train is not stopping for Bill gates over me….. If famine struck the world and every soul lived in poverty……. that piece of bread is not rationed to highest bid…. or to the person with the fairest skin and if you think so then perhaps you need to open your eyes and take a look at the cold history of death ……. it spares none …….. it has no preference and it is about time people understand that!
Honestly I expect nothing… I am one of the few perhaps ….. it takes nothing to care for another. It takes nothing really. I find it harder not to then to show my heart. In this I can’t seem to understand the steps you take. I am aware of what it is and what it is not…. I have no form or guarentee no permanent ground. I can promise I wouldn’t let you go if only had some piece of your heart. I don’t know what you think I will be expecting but i will expect nothing ….. being is enough…. it can be enough to some…. It is enough for me…. I just hope you can see that…. and perhaps understand it.
As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
“Now his breath goes,” and some say, “No.”
So let us melt, and make no noise, 5
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
‘Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.
Moving of th’ earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ; 10
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.
Dull sublunary lovers’ love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, ’cause it doth remove 15
The thing which elemented it.
But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss. 20
Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.
If they be two, they are two so 25
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix’d foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th’ other do.
And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam, 30
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.
Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th’ other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just, 35
And makes me end where I begun.
I have never known a pressure quite like yours and perhaps I do not know you at all. Perhaps you are a figment that walks around in the shadows simply not knowing who he is.
But I can tell you a few things by base of observation. I am sure it wont matter in time and I am sure I am simply nothing at all but here are some things I found when I traced your soul back through those eyes…
You have a deepness that seeps in the corners and you have so much pain within the looking glasses which have become your eyes. A pain perhaps I never knew and you carry around this darkness in hopes that someone could show you your light well I am no savior, no angel in your mist but I can tell you that there is a way in which you exceed my expectations with the simplest of glances.
Your heart the one piece you try hardest to keep below the surface shows itself. In you there is a world you want to explore, there is a love you want to find, there is a soul you want to reach and there is an inner part of you that seeks liberty…. liberty from all things …….. liberty of choice…. liberty of action.
I feel that sometimes maybe behind the glimmer of the trees in the night I see the part of you that wants to break through.
set yourself upon a mission….. block out all feelings but your own……. and listen to the heart in you, it stutters, crashes and reveals itself slowly…………. And there is so much beauty.
I have no words I am weak in this aspect…….. and it is simply because I wish I could show your worth, I wish I could show you what I see…………. pressure all the same like you……… I learned that there is beauty in just being.
Crash
Go ahead and take the pills
Hours later, fast paced, crash. Jitters body rush
Crash
Go ahead walk fast, run.
Seconds later, crash into me.
Crash
Go ahead swerve to the right, ramp up ahead.
Moments later, crash into it.
Crash
Pressure against the rocks.
The cycle of water, crash against the shore.
A substance, a pace, a moving object, a grain of sand.
As we are we all crash.
I just don’t understand certain things in society. Here goes an honest rant….. “Why is is it that women can not be smart and sexually provocative all at the same time” (Paper Magazine). I tend to question this a lot. Why is it that we can’t? If we are sexual we are labeled as A)attention seekers or B) women who had no male figure present in their lives so they find the need to express sexual energy because they were not TAUGHT to keep it someowhat hidden or repressed. Granted I know there is a time and a place for everything and I would would’nt dream of dressing like a whore in front of my one year old nephew but on the outside if I want to extend my sexuality it is no ones business but my own or so I feel so. I feel like it is 2008 but some live in 1880. Women are no longer in those classic gender roles and if they are they should wake up and spill the tea instead of serving it!
(rant inspired by a train ride where a women was being “put in her place”.)
I would really like some feedback even if you disagree thought PLEASE!
For anyone to simply comprehend what it is.
This feeling if I can even limit it to that.
A heart once washed away,left alone to grow.
But how does one live without the soul which once made it alive?
Years ago I would have never known.
One can learn to live again,
With discovery of their counterpart.
Someone so beautiful that not even words can do him justice.
A hand within his hand,
A kiss upon his lips,
A place within his heart, which somehow finds me.
A metaphor to his mind,
A look so personalized within his eyes.
I have held him before,
I have known him before,
I have seen him but not with simplistic eyes.
But with eyes that unhinge two souls and make them the same.
I don’t know if this has a specific category… It is a few things put together as one.
I find it so interesting at points so flustering how the people we know become the people we knew. Cycles of change are normal and I understand this. But does it ever harm you to think of all of those that have once passed you by. A heart which you once shared the most intimate thoughts, a soul that in essence was shaped like yours and a mind that captured you buried in the dust to be forgotten with time. Maybe I am just rare in kind maybe I am just too sensitive sometimes.
In my heart I always seem to find a part that misses the souls I once felt , touched and loved. Call it crazy most do, most judge. Some feel it is a way of keeping or holding on when honestly I feel like telling everyone they are wrong. You see my ability for compassion is high. So high at times I care for people even when they have long since passed me. Call it what you will. I worry about people at points beyond my means. The sad part I suppose is that most of the world doesn’t feel in the same spectrum that I do. The common courtesy of care doesn’t exist sadly.
I wish everyone well. I hope that in some point in time people could really care about each other just for the sake of caring and not have motives that are corrupt. I hate to live in such a world but i suppose there is nothing to be done of this.
Often times does this make me a bad person perhaps not more of just a fool who goes around wishing well all of those who have not given a shit. Maybe one day people will open their eyes and see there is more to life than finding something to gain. Maybe I am just the sick one who wants to believe in a different kind of world where love really exists.
The time it stops. Black and white images flash through me and I open my eyes. For a second here I just want to run……….. I always wanted to run alone never made any thoughts about taking you with me but as these streets become desolate you are all I want to know. I am done with pretending running and rushing here.
I just don’t know what else there is to say. A breath close enough to reach. If you allow it in it is possible to care again. It is possible to give more than you ever thought imaginable.
If I could I would shut out the rest of the world and show you a world you never knew. Take you with me for some time. Shut the phone…….. shut your thoughts off…………… Open your heart………. Please just open your heart.
This blog may offend many of you or even a select few. I was debating if I should post it or not but you know what….. what’s the point of having a blog if I have to censor everything I say?
Here goes……. I have been working with children for the past four years now. All different types of children those with learning disabilities as well as physical disabilities and you know what gets me……. You know what I can’t seem to understand the main question WHY?? Sure under the grace of God all things are possible but why do defenseless children suffer in such ways?
Another thing that is the main point of this and may offend many of you …….. Why if you are a “mother” a “mom” do some of you feel the need to risk having birth defects and other such things just because you are too selfish too put down a mother fucking cigarette or shot of whatever it is that poisons your liver.
Keep in mind you are responsible for your child or should be! I knew a girl in college who for 8 months of her pregnancy drank herself happy. What the hell is that? If honestly you can not give up a habit like that you are not fit to be a parent and should just give it up for adoption.
You know it’s selfish honestly because there are plenty of people in the world that want to have children and they can not. You whoever you are out there that this speaks to however choose! Life is a series of choices.
Then there are people who never drink, never smoke never do single thing and their child is born with some form of physical disability.
And you, you know who you are out there you drink yourself into a coma and do enough crack to kill yourself and your child somehow comes out fine.
I am blaming no one I am just stating that life is odd sometimes and people not all but some are so incredibly selfish.
After some interesting conversations last night I have this to say:
In case you didnt hear me the first I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU HAVE! Medical school or no medical school means shit to me… you might find that a little strange and I suppose that’s because your used to girls that care about those kinds of things.
Well I am different and apparently thats a bad thing to you ….. never thought it could be a bad thing but well I guess I was wrong. Maybe next time I should make you take me to the fanciest restaurant, ask you how much money you make and how many houses you own. Maybe then that would be more appealing.
The difference is I actually give a fuck about YOU and just you not your credentials, not your tests and not the business you own. That’s all bullshit you know why? When you die it dies with. Nothing can bring back a person.
You said it’s my loss what am I loosing?
The things that matter to me are:
The way in which you hold my hand, the way in which you speak to me, kisses on the forehead, the way which you look at me, the time you find for us just to be, the silly funny times we both have, long conversations about nothing at all, the planets , the world, me showing you how I see you not through your bank account but rather through one heart to another.
You want to listen to your buddies? Go ahead it’s seems thats what you do anyway listen to everyone else. Thats why do don’t know who you are. Take a minute and throw away all the physical pieces of paper with grades and achievements……….. Where is your heart? Where is your soul?
See there is nothing that can make me feel like less of what I am……. there is no one that can hurt me more than I have already been hurt. Nice try though the reverse psychology was quite funny.
You think I am at a loss? I don’t think you know my strength at all. I have had a life that would drive some to insanity perhaps maybe even kill them. Your just a little bump in my road…… A road I feel you have no direction to because your missing the main component YOU!
You said you don’t feel loved I don’t know what could make you feel like that perhaps because you try to satisfy yourself with all of these empty things…. I had all the love in the world to give you…. I have so much of it and you just refuse it.
Keep seeking things with no meaning at one point you will end up just like them EMPTY.
I met a man yesterday. As I looked over all of his features only one attribute seemed to wash away all the rest.
Somewhat paralyzing me in my tracks.
Those eyes of his how could I describe them?
Dark pools filled to the brim with water.
Ready to leak through at any moment.
Sensitivity bursting.
I looked in his direction for a moment, I promised myself I would for just a moment but as the sound around me began to fade a moment turned into minutes.
Those eyes stripped me of all the things I tried so hard to hide.
A stranger standing there before me so close, so deep under my skin.
As he looked at me eyes wide, I felt his softness within me.
A comfort to all my tears and to all the screams I once felt would always remain unheard.
Reflecting my face those mirrors saw through to the heart in me and for the first time in my life I no longer felt alone.
I met a man a yesterday and I knew him all along.
Paint my soul as it was before
Crimson red I mask myself
To fall to stream
Liquid fire
I once died in that light
But now here, as I sit quietly pondering my fate
The crimson which once made me dead has healed my patches and left skin where holes once were
I am whole here to bleed life and shed skin
New and old
It makes me wise
I will not leave for there is too much to be said, to much to be done and I am yet to leave my mark.
Picking out the best piece of coconut for me to eat
Laying down your jacket for me to sit on
Forming a path for me to walk so I dont slip on the ice
an I miss you just because
Picking a flower just to put it in my hair
making me a flower out of paper for valentines day
pushing me back from the cars coming in my way
sharing a story so I can listen
A look upon a face
Picking me up off the ground and kissing my scrapes
I guess in a way I am lucky I have had all of this in my life …….. yet I have had all of it leave……… To dancing with broomsticks and never forgetting your face.
The clock ticks away in my head. This is such a stange way to live. If you knew of my life maybe then you would understand ….. forgotten tears rest on the tomb of my forgotten land.
If you knew of all the things I bury deep that in my heart form constant grief ….. I have been so close and these eyes have seen so much.
Some wonder how it is that I still look to the light…….. well the light is all I have that is what I tell them.
I flutter around most times saving others from their pains disregarding the ones I hold inside… and it seems like for the first time all of this is catching up to me.
How do I trust when their skeptical eyes taught me all I can take of mistrust
How do I believe when I feel disbelief in me…
I am trying so hard and I have fought so much and those I have known before you I wish I could erase their memory. All the things I have done the people I have encountered and for reasons so destructive. I have learned to forgive.
Seen so many eyes close before they even knew how to live.
I hope you can see that I want this to be and all I need is for you to believe in me because you are all I want.
In the time…. in a rhyme…. off a far off place….. in this space….
And I can lend all of myself to understanding if you just believe in me.
my past it forms aches in my chest… but in you I find some quiet peaceful rest… so please do not dash your heart and mind away.
You ever just sit in reflection… kind of wondering what the hell you are doing? Some get so wrapped up in so many things. Sometimes I find it hard to verbalize all of the things that I feel… here is my honest attempt:
Flesh I stand here before you
A rarity we are all one of our kind… and nowhere will you find… another heart that beats quite like mine
Advertisements, news broadcasts did you look at the world today? Ask me if I’m okay…. some are so unaffected… in their shells protected.
I do not know and I can’t understand it forms a knot in my chest making it hard to rest.
And it has been some time since I actually could sleep memories are all I seem to keep.
bullets flaring eyes of despair ….. I wonder how it is that no one seems to care
A smile and a kiss hold the same meaning in every language…… You can think me different than you… you can hold this hate your heart… you can assume you know of all the pieces that of which I am a part… But I want to sow love where ever it is that you hurt. I want to show you you are not so alone in this…
The only thing I can do is pray search my heart to find the kindest words to say and hope that everything will be okay
and it makes me sick, my stomach has been turning for some time now
my eyes they fill with tears, inside these distant fears. Every country has a story to be told…. as you shift your eyes in the cold. I can tell you that I feel and I am affected …. in some ways overly affected.
But you can tell by the softness in my eyes and the tears I try to hide…
this world is not changing … constant rearranging leaves me aching at times shaking… I sit here heart breaking how much is this soul taking?
Some would say you have yourself in a whole…. yes you the one who pretends he feels nothing at all… you met the wrong kind of girl they would say…. why??
I have been told I can touch anyone… and with time I have learned that even people with icicles attached to their heart have a softness.
A blend of psychology and true feeling will leave you helpless and I think that is what you fear………
I am only one person….. not a very large person at that…. Who knows what will come of these words that I write
Maybe one day will offer some sight to the most narrow of minds perhaps lend themselves to inspiration of all kinds.
But I, I am only one person what power does my voice have? Enough I suppose to start a flame. Enough to within you remain.
When it is doubt that clouds I pray that someday we can all open our eyes wider beyond the scope. Heres to a hope!
I hope that one day you will see there is so much more than what you were taught to see. If you took away all the structure and focused on the substance you would see the pages of your story are meant to be filled by you alone and nothing is ever set in stone.
I met a soul a couple of months ago and he wondered for a while what I thought of him…. so here goes a collection of my observation.
Your eyes caught me like a deer in the headlight on that dim night and your story it touched me as you spoke and I took so much in and you would never even know.
Your jokes got a smile out of me and I try to conceal it I tried not to make you see.
And that night I felt so close and I wish I could verbalize it better but I think we just look so cute together. You and I
I began to trust in your heart though so many times so far apart. I believe in your spirit and maybe I am just a fool to you but I know I touched some deeper sense its true.
That night I just wanted to say so much and I was hoping you could read my eyes …..
Funny thing is when I care the world becomes unfair and I sit here hopeless in your stare.
Funny is if I grew to maybe one day love you theres no telling what I would be able to do…. some say it is easier to walk away ……. let your heart stray but baby I could never just let you go …..and so with this I hope you know.
I wouldn’t allow any boundary between us somehow
Even if it meant going to the ends of earth so please just dont give up on me.
heart facing mind faster than my heart and this was the start. Racing off at the mouth finger at my head I remember what he said.
I should of spit on you. Thats what you are you know………. I see all these signs all these lines places and traces. Familiar faces.
Not so funny now…Yea I said it I should of spit in your face between a blink and the hate in you
you think your the only one that has a darkness within them motherfucker now whos the sucker?
Tell me how its supposed to go when all I run into are remnants and all I want to do is forget this…. Met so many different kinds of people even went to church sat upon the steeple
Look at how I appear…….. you met the one without a single fear. Calm and collected my dear.
side to side my head moves sometimes. I hear her speak. Feel so meak as she tells me I am weak.
And maybe you just have to be in my shoes but here goes I’ll offer you some clues. Don’t think for a single moment I know nothing of materialism. I hear it singing in my ears and I close myself off to the fear. The sound is harsh to me it’s something I don’t want to be.
And as she speaks I don’t think she realizes what she sounds like
“oh this one has this…. and he marrying into rich family”
Oh don’t you remember where you came from? If you have forgotten here is the sum……. sometimes no food to eat sometimes no shoes to wear and the people stare
This new world destroyed your humble nature. Oh what a danger! To you it is all about the money that they make……. take take take……..
“Who cares about fate”
It’s a good thing I kept myself along the way some how I learned to stay the same.
I walked the thin lines great
I learned to appreciate
She throws it my face things maybe I was born of some peculiar race
Different as I am “your not like me” “your not like me”
If only she knew I am happy to just be…..
No one quite like me
I am happy to just be……….
Call it what you will my heart is in me still
like my father similar to him
I learned to just be
Happy with all of me
I learned to just be.
The casket closes you take nothing with you
The sooner you discover this the closer you are to bliss
Look not on what you take but rather on what you do
Hmm this I suppose is mainly written for women but men feel free to leave your thoughts.
I do know how it is that some men can appear so emotionless. Not able to look you in the eye and such. Pushing away from the feelings they hold inside.
Maybe women are just made differently. Maybe we see beauty in things that really possess none. Truth is deep inside any man I think or perhaps would like to think that there is deep rooted emotion. Whether it is shown or not it still exists within.
The same man you see before you was a boy at one time who cried over not getting his favorite toy or touching the hot stove after his mother told him not to. So what with time in some men does not allow these emotions to show?
Perhaps the conotation behind the word itself “man”. It is not associated in society with anything delicate or gentle. I guess with time I have just accepted that I personally am more sensitive but is that really true? I do not believe it to be. It takes a stronger person to stand up to things and admit their emotions. It takes a weaker person to just sit back pretend they do not exist. I suppose that is the difference
I wish I had my entire heart. The same way I did before the pain began
Some where along the line though I gave more to that man than I could ever bargain for ….
That black coat and those careless eyes burned a hole inside of me
And all the nights I did not sleep and all the things I learned. If I would of known that February I would of left you alone. Thing is you didnt leave me
you wouldnt leave me … there are traces of you in every part of me.
The insides the insides I see them…. So innate this feeling within you “Do they accept me” “will they ever?”
Self destruct you loose so much in their eyes don’t you know.
The truth never something you wanted to hear for truth for fear
I suppose you can only take the things you can carry but I am stuck with all these memories. Moving one step one pulse beat at a time. I can’t seem to stop my tears from falling. What the hell kind of calling?
taking a stroll… blocks make up a walk and I suppose a stroll encompasses a walk but within the walk thoughts of things that are odd to us…
Perhaps for example the concept of suffering… Why does it occur? To prove to us we are real we have some kind of emotion within … and these tears that flow and form they come from memories which hurt and hinder so deep within the unconcious that they form water to our face..
Will these words ever be published in a book or simply waste here for people to read them from years to come and remember how they were or were not touched.
Sometimes I think being a writer is hard. Half the time no one wants to admit what they feel or what they see. A world fluttering around them.. And you turn on a musical ballad from time to time to bring you to the memories.
And these are rambles no real rhyme in what I am saying.. I suppose no real sense either. Somewhere however though I hope this touches someone… anyone…
Men have a way of denying everything they felt once you hurt them or shall I say if you hurt them bad enough.
The truth of it is who can want something completely different now having learned a lesson or suffered.
The only reason why hate exists is because where there was once love someone fucked up enough in the head showed you how to hurt and the hurt it still exists
People think for themselves most of the time. They think later of their emotions what they truly feel and how it will effect them emotionally kind of like a do first… think later
Men are designed and some women as well like this:
Thought + Thought + physical feeling = A BETTER DECISION
I guess what I wonder about sometimes is what makes it better……. because its more excepted ……. because its what you need but is it really what you want??
In fact when do people ever really do what they want?
work , school I mean of course you can choose not to but in society you can not advance without these things so really do you have a choice? I dont think so….
But in matters of love I suppose you should and some people are even limited in that regard. I work in an office and well one othe reports which shall remain nameless was that a married patient of ourshad an affair and was getting tested…
could you imagine being so miserable in a personal choice you once made that you would seek to find someone else to fill a need? And the funny thing is this happens everyday. You ever look on the train at the person across from you and feel the unspoken emptiness in theo thers eyes…. people are not full filled they see that what they need is what they must settle for
Call me crazy I guess i am completely illogical here but I would rather a million times over have what I want and feel complete.
the bus stops short… I get out at this unknown destination think about this creation. There was this one time that remain with me like a crime I chose to not listen…..
I stood there in that room trying not to assume. I remember your face and the tears that left a trace. The words you said run over and over in my head. Stood by the bed listened to all you said. My mind was aching soul was breaking. I turned my face “I must get out of this place.” I thought I knew… two days later thought of you.. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. The truth stands my heart in strands pushing against what I knew felt right. This delicate sight How could I? Who was that? and Why? All the reasons make no sense some things you just cant take some things you just cant fake
You want the truth ….. do you? Ill tell you anyway
Took the first step out should of never left that day should stood by you we would have been okay and I regret it everyday.
As the door clicked behind me I dont know how I made it down stairs… Tears ran so fast from my eyes and I tried to cover my cries. The night was cloudy and your words kept replaying loudly.Why did I just let it go I wish in all the world I could know.
My mind was out the door but my heart was with you the whole time and I sit here holding my chest as it aches when its compressed. I wish you would listen I wish I could explain… you don’t know the whole story
While most people in NYC spent there summers shuffling through papers, attending meeting, studying for exams and greeting patients I took a BREAK!
A break from the world I was used to I traveled half way around the world to the Island of Ponza which is located in Italy. This small little wonder has Latina as its providence and Rome as its major city. It takes about eleven hours to get to but is well worth it. It is located in the Tyrrenhenian Sea and is the largest of the Italian Pontine Islands.
This island is a great center of history because during fascist time it served as a prison to the political opponents of Mussolini and it was also named after Pontius Pilate during roman times.
Here are some photos! ENJOY and be sure to check it out for yourself.
You waste so much time making sure I am out and away from you
The harshest words
The most untrue
dont you see the days are passing
the sun is shining
and baby you hurt me so much
That I would never go back to you
there is no reason
I love the seasons without you in them
as much as it hurts its better for me
cant you see
All we did was suffer
and I am done
no one won
and I am done
so spend your days counting the rage in your nerves
If you could just notice that you hurt me
yes me
the one who always cares so deeply
but I am done
talking to walls does no good
and no matter how much I dont want to fight
you cant seem to see the light
good night.
I was just listening to that song by Beyonce called “halo” funny thing I have heard it on the radio a thousand times but for some reason tonight it stuck with me. I guess everyone wants some kind of angel. While I have been told by many that I am like a guide and even in one case an angel I am yet to find my angel with this halo. Some one to guide and protect me to feel safe with ……. I just havent found this and well I hope that one day I do find someone like that.
To those of you that have found yours I am happy for you and I hope you are greatful
walk up the steps
unleash whats left
remnants like shards of glass which otherwise cut at your insides
read these lines
walk up the steps
crowd eyes wide
nerves broken in
let it out
theres a fine line between what you deserve and what you get
I am learning slowly
sitting patiently
I cant even manage to sit still for to long now
and all the things i knew well now I know nothing
I known any block that gets thrown my way
I will find a way to master its decay
not just move out of the way
but crush it
I swear nothing can break me now
and I dont even know how
I have become like this
hand like a fist
I am sure of it
this I know is certain
you think I am waiting patiently
for some miracle to fall out of the sky
for you to realize all I ever was
do you want fact or fiction?
fiction “yes darling you were the sweetest one I have ever known
I will wait for you…
FACT “motherfucker one day you will wake up really wake up and riches will be ashes. Your arrogance will greet you
and I will refuse to meet you. One day you will cry so hard your heart will feel like its exploding the tricky part is youll still be alive and you will have to live. Live with the life you chose. A perfect cluster of the fakest bullshit ever created. One day I promise this…….
some call it anger I call it indifference with a vent see because if I dont release this it becomes like a flame within
and I dont want to commit the largest sin
so I would rather shoot some words from within myself
have them spill themselves through these pages
then commit crimes that i wont ever forgive myself for through the times
and some might think this is so dark
so deep
But see you just dont get it
A poet has no other way to be
no other way to feel
this is how our emotions see
this is just how we deal
So write it off in your cards whatever makes you feel better
this is your letter
feed your friends your biased words
they will eat them up
mindless pawns as they sit there at their court
and then enters the jester
his thoughts fester
what lie can i conjure
fiflth disgust
I dont know how you live with yourself
remember one thing
apples dont fall to far from their trees
and well your just the same
his blood is you
no use convincing yourself your better
you walked away
from someone who wanted a friendship
but no you put your arrogance ahead
convinced yourself it was I who couldnt let go
this is all you see
this is all you know
all because you can’t place yourself in my shoes for even a moment
my reasons dont matter
that was all i wanted
contrary to what your head wants to believe that was all i wanted.
And if I knew then what I know now
I guess I would of treated it all so differently
but “if” is well just that
a place in time you cant get back
some words you cant take back
a heart thats broken mends itself
but well if i knew then what I know now
I would have followed my instinct
enjoyed the time
and maybe just maybe wouldnt be where i am today
But I guess it has taught me something
past wether you deserve it or not
past wether you ever truly knew me or not
past your life and all you were ever taught
or even the idea of ever being with you
I am sorry.
I never wanted this
and maybe you will never read these lines
but I am sorry for not living in the time with you
it was something i was never really good at but now i am learning
Came home from work .. Had a good laugh
somehow everything I go through seems so trivial.
As you sit there wasting your time finding every way possible to keep me out of your life
realize I am gone
and I dont want to come back
There really is nothing to go back to when you think about it
I knew about everything you thought I didnt
I let you in because I felt you were worth it
you hurt me and well I guess thats a part of life
after all I have hurt some souls not intentionally
Not to sure if you ever glance at this
and honestly I dont care
maybe one day things can be different but not now
maybe one day you can realize but not now
and I refuse to run circles around you when you really dont seem to want to grow up.
sorry if this is all your life is and what it has come down to is making up beautiful lies but thats really all they are .. are lies… anyway this has far reached its boil point and i am done with convincing you other wise
sorry you feel I am stupid or something truth is I knew everything all along.
Once I met a man who said just these very few words to me… and well they did’nt make sense then but they make a world of sense now “You know really it’s amazing all people are, are groups of cells put together” I. D.
Dearest you,
It was not my choice to be a working vessel within this body but well we never choose our destinies. If I can interject, what are you doing?
You do not think all that you do has an affect, but I am the one that must beat through all the emotional stress you put me through. I must continue forth regardless of your disregard.
To continue beating for years here with this blood flowing sometimes harder at times just to keep you alive.
Do you appreciate? No in and out of emotional turmoil. Sometimes safe sometimes risky. But I hope your listening to me because I am at my wits end here. Sometimes I ponder what you would do if this main organ inside of you just stopped working. Well I tell you this:
Consider I did’nt choose to be here
but I am so lets work together
You find a place that makes you happy
and stay there.
You find company which makes you shine and keep it.
You find a love which makes you laugh and embrace it.
I swear for the life of you, if you put me through another roller coaster ride of sleepless nights
and tear filled eyes I will exit permanately.
So consider this carefully, I like you, I like working in your favor but I can only do so much before even I get tired.
So please, consider me!
We are like ants in the world. Small and helpless really. There is a light in me however which sometimes make me feel bigger just because I try to see the good.
It is amazing though for the first time I have no words for you
I am quite helpless and as you stand there I try my best to keep this face for you
I have learned well the meaning of strength
for so many years had to bare so many private wounds
and now I feel like I am gone
I do not have much to say
my tears fall in silence when no one is watching
and I really hope with all of my heart and all of my soul that everything will be alright
because well your not just a part of me
you are like the sense to my confusion and the brightness
although I never say it
although it is buried deep
I have no more emotions to keep
and for the first time I feel helpless to you
and the part of me that wants to protect you
feels that if i bare a tough front that maybe it will make it better
and I pray every night and every day
I just have nothing more to say
and the one person that could have helped my sanity is far far away
and I just have nothing more to say
I pray you will be okay
I just have nothing more to say
So not everything is set in stone ….. so what! Float along eventually as you travel along your way you will find those that float along with you. If upon your travels you find a friend that makes you smile and not just laugh I guess you will have been given the best medicine life can give you so appreciate it for what its worth. Never take for granted those that would stand by you.
Claudia